So for the first time in my life I'm having to "watch my weight." I've always had a high metabolism and always was extremely active at my last job. But over the past year since I was unemployed and now working a desk job, and on medication that causes me to gain weight, I just keep gaining. I've jumped from a size 3 to a size 11 in the past year. I keep gaining weight and keep having to buy new clothes every month. It's all very weird because I'm not really liking how I look in the mirror now, and I don't know the first thing about dieting...I enjoy food far too much to cut back. I've enrolled in belly dancing classes to help get myself a bit more active (hard to find activities that won't cause problems with my back, knees, and ankles, and other joints as I have medical problems with them all) and am trying to buy all this hyped up low carb food. I'd actually like to lose some weight and go back to a size 9/10-I was pretty happy at that size. On another note, work has been super hectic. I'm a temp, making a measely $9 an hour (but it beats being unemployed). My boss would like to hire me on as a full blown employee at the company I temp for. But the whole company (all of the sister branches, etc.) is on a hiring freeze right now because we're being bought out in the spring. Currently my computer expertise has proved extremely valuable to the company as I am the only one who has been able to sit down and find the problems with all of the reports they compile and fix them. Theyve even paid for me to take a few classes in Microsoft Access in order to help me do more stuff. The more I prove I can do and the more good things I bring about, the more work they've stacked on me. I'm now completely scrapping 3 major reports and rebuilding them because the previous person didn't know what they were doing. I've even told our own IT guys what was wrong with things before they figured them out. My boss is extremely greatful and would hire me on if he could-he continusously tells me of how much my work is appreciated and how he's been forwarding emails to higher ups to let them know of the wonderful work I've been doing. Basically I'm not even making $10,000 a year and doing a job that usually would pay at least $50,000 a year...when I was originally hired as a data entry temp lol. I'm hoping if I continue I'll get offered a full position after the buy out-I really enjoy picking things apart and fixing them when it comes to computers-and I'm a computer junkie to begin with. I'm just super worried that this company who is buying us out will either shut down the entire plant (we're the ones who make those automatic fire sprinkler systems and all the fire hydrants and fire equipment for fire departments) or that they'll do away with me because I'm a mere temp. This buy out is supposed to take place in the spring. Hopefully neither will happen because if I get hired on fully it can open alot of opportunities. So things are getting a little better with my daughter, too. Had a major problem with her and her sister lying constantly but that seems to have passed....for now. As for cleaning up after herself and taking care of herself, still having a hard time with that. And I think one of the problems with it is because of how much her grandparents spoil her. They do everything for her and treat her as if she's a goddess-like she does nothing wrong. She can't possibly learn to take care of herself and take pride in herself when she's got them doing everything for her and not correcting her properly. Yet the ride on her sister like she's a dog, which really upsets me. That poor girl was forced to be far more mature than she needed to be when she lived with her mom and now she's stuck in being that mature-it's like she skipped getting to be a kid and takes on far more responsibility than she needs to. She's the complete opposite of my daughter. Not to mention her grandmother keeps telling her she's fat and needs to excercise and go on a diet. She not fat at all-she's just the perfect size for her age-she is the same hieght and weight as the average percentage range for her age. But now she's all self concious about it thinking she's fat because she's had it driven in her head. My daughter on the other hand is severely underweight-she has a high metabolism which runs in my family, yet she won't eat. I've tried teaching her that people like us need to try to eat more than usual and to eat more carb foods because her body burns the food faster than it can process it (which is how doctors always explained it to me) but made sure she understood it wasn't her fault or anything she was doing wrong to make herself underweight. She's trying to eat foods now that help her weight...but their grandparents keep telling them both that Kirisa (my daughter) is the perfect size and weight and Abby (her sister) needs to be more like her cuz she's too fat. It just burns me up they way they treat her and she's not even my daughter (althought I've gotten attached to her as if she were). I don't understand why they treat her like that. Anyway, that's it for now...wrists starting to hurt lol

ok, so the stupid site didn't publish it at first so I tried to redo it, then it published it twice, and it won't let me delete one out, so I'm "editing" it to say this.

This was in the Martinsburg Journal today. This truly scares me. This plan paves the way of destruction of people in this country who are not in the upper class level. It destroys college grants and other school programs, it destroys medicaid, it destroys a number of programs offered through social services (food stamps, energy bill help, help with rent, with medical care, etc.). It will destroy our energy program. It will destroy hundreds of thousands of farms, especially ones who produce some of our largest commodities that we export (I.e. cotton....and is also coming under fire from some of the less wealthy countries who purchase these commodities from us), and, although it calls for raising some military it also cuts some. All of this so that he cannot sacrifice the wealthy citizen's tax cuts that he implemented??? This man is truly a monster....and although it will be a sad thing to see put into action if it is approved, I can't help but have a huge anomosity towards those who voted for him, giving a big fat, I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! and that they get what they deserve....only things like this will effect me, my daughter, and everyone else in this country except the wealthy. I'm not kidding, it really does scare me. Not to mention the wage reports for last year were just released for Winchester and surrounding areas. The wage climb last year was the lowest it has been since 1993 at only a 3% climb when real estate has climbed last year to 30%-56% (depending on city vs. county) and nowhere near supports the wages of the area. That's a shakey thing to think about, too...if this trend continues we'll see more and more poverty and unemployment (which was also higher last year than it has been since 2000). Bush proposes $2.5 trillion spending plan that will cut scores of programs By MARTIN CRUTSINGER AP Economics Writer WASHINGTON (AP) -President Bush's $2.5 trillion budget is shaping up as his most austere, trying to restrain spending across a wide swath of government from popular farm subsidies to poor people's health programs. Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday defended the plan against Democratic criticism that Bush had to seek steep cuts in scores of federal programs because he is unwilling to roll back first-term tax cuts that opponents contend primarily benefited the wealthy. The budget's submission to Congress on Monday will set off months of intense debate. Lawmakers from both parties can be expected to vigorously fight to protect their favorite programs. "This is the tightest budget that has been submitted since we got here,'' Cheney told " Fox News Sunday.'' "It is a fair, reasonable, responsible, serious piece of effort. It's not something we have done with a meat ax, nor are we suddenly turning our backs on the most needy people in our society.'' The president, who campaigned for re-election on a pledge to cut the deficit in half by 2009, is targeting 150 government programs for either outright elimination or sharp cutbacks. Bush will propose spending $2.5 trillion in the budget year that begins Oct. 1. For the current year, he is estimating the budget deficit will reach a record $427 billion. That compares with last year's $412 billion deficit and is the third straight year the Bush administration will have set, in dollar terms, a deficit high. The five-year projections in the budget will show the deficit declining to about $230 billion in 2009, when a new president takes office. Those projections do not take into account some big-ticket items: the military costs incurred in Iraq and Afghanistan, the price of making Bush's first term tax cuts permanent, or the transition costs for his No. 1 domestic priority, overhauling Social Security. Sen. Kent Conrad, the top Democrat on the Senate Budget Committee, said Bush's budget "talks about the next five years of reducing deficits, but what that hides is what happens after that five-year window. The cost of everything he advocates explodes.'' Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., praised the administration's willingness to tackle the deficit. "I'm glad the president is coming over with a very austere budget. I hope we in Congress will have the courage to support it,'' he told ABC's "This Week.'' Joshua Bolten, Bush's budget director, told The Associated Press that when the budget is released, the administration will provide some estimates of the cost in increased government borrowing for the president's proposal to allow younger workers to set up private savings accounts. But he said the administration cannot provide total cost figures for the Social Security overhaul because all the elements of the plan have yet to be decided upon. Cheney would not confirm estimates the overhaul could cost $4.5 trillion in additional government borrowing over 20 years. Bush's budget will restrain the growth in discretionary programs to less than 2.3 percent. But because defense and homeland security are set for increases above that amount, the rest of government programs will see outright cuts or tiny gains far below the rate of inflation. One of the biggest battles is certain to occur in the area of payments and other assistance to farmers, which the administration wants to trim by $587 million in 2006 and by $5.7 billion over the next decade. Those payments go to farmers growing a wide range of crops from cotton, rice and corn to soybeans and wheat. The United States and other rich countries have come under criticism for these agriculture subsidies from poor countries. In the current round of global trade talks, these nations are pressing for the subsidies' elimination. Other programs set for cuts, the AP has learned, include the Army Corps of Engineers, whose dam and other waterway projects are extremely popular in Congress; the Energy Department; and a number of health programs under the Health and Human Services Department. About one-third of the programs being targeted for elimination are in the Education Department, including federal grant programs for local schools in such areas as vocational education, supporting drug-free schools and Even Start, a $225 million literacy program. The administration also will seek to restrain growth in mandatory spending, primarily by trimming costs in Medicaid, the joint program with states that pays the cost of poor people's health care. Spending on the military, the biggest part of discretionary spending, is on target to rise by 4.8 percent in 2006 to $419.3 billion, according to documents obtained by the AP. This figure does not include the $80 billion the administration has saidit soon will seek to pay for the costs of continued military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Even the increase for the military will be below what the Pentagon had hoped to receive with several major weapons programs, including Bush's missile defense system and the B-2 stealth bomber, scheduled for cuts from current levels. Many budget experts believe Bush's plan will not come close to achieving his goal of cutting the deficit in half because Congress will refuse to go along with the cuts, and Bush and the Republican-controlled Congress do not support tax increases. "There is really no way out of the bind we are in now without some kind of increase in taxes,'' said Robert Reischauer, the president of the Urban Institute and a former head of the Congressional Budget Office.

Bush being in office is going to wind up with our country at war with more than just Iraq. Nearly every country out there hates Bush and is growing to hate us. Castro has remained fairly quiet over the past, what, 20 years? Until now. What I find apalling is that Bush seems to insist that EVERYONE in the world establish a democracy. He hasn't once thought about how maybe the other countries in this world actually LIKE their governmental system. The US trying to enforce a democracy on everyone is just its own way of trying to control its fear-if a country is a democracy then they're our friend and we won't have to worry about them attacking us. Who next? Korea? Why can't he just leave Castro alone-Castro has left us alone. I wouldn't doubt it if we start seeing attacks and attempts from Cuba over the next 4 years. I swear to god, Bush is the worst thing to ever happen to this country. On another note, I overheard a phone conversation between Steve and his mom. Steve is a hardcore Bush supporter (so we don't discuss a lick of politics) and his mom is very anti-Bush. Apparently Bush eliminated public funding for some sort of medical research (I'm thinking it has to do with liver disease research because she has liver disease, just received a transplant, and was EXTREMELY upset over whatever programs Bush banned public research and funding for). Only private investors may now fund said research. Can you believe that? Just think of what kinds of problems that is going to create. Can we say survival of the richest? I can see it now, research is going to drop considerably now. Rich people and companies will own the rights to cures, medicines, and treatments, and can now charge whatever outrageous price they want for the medical field to purchase rights to them. It won't be as easily monitored now because restrictions are placed on publicly funded companies to ensure safety and that the well-being of others is the first and foremost concern. Not to mention look how many people will be out of a job now (yay! MORE job losses!) that their research programs will become defunct! WTG Bush! 4 more years! Kill me now! Grrrr, this kind of crap just makes me so mad.

While driving-Gotta love those people who pull out in front of vehicles traveling towards them at 70 miles an hour...do they value their life or what?

Wendy's new add a side deal-Ok, so you can add a baked potato, salad, chili, or fries as your side in a value meal.  But did you know that if you add a potato it can only be a sour cream and chive one?  If you want the bacon and cheese one they have to charge you full price for the potato.  So let me get this right...I can buy a $4.99 value meal and get a cheese & bacon baked potato, no fries, for $6 and some change, or I can buy a $4.99 value meal WITH fries AND get a cheese & bacon baked potato for $6 and some change?  What financial genius created that deal??

Work-Gotta love when HQ changes their entire server system and computer system, then 3 months later discover that a bunch of the software is bugging things to the point that things are backed up and all out of whack....then having to scramble like mad to try to fix things before they get anymore out of hand.

I'm really, really upset about my daughter and kind of at a loss of what to do right now.  I'm not used to living with her full time.  When she used to visit me, before I moved in with her and my ex, she used to behave so good.  She'd eat all of her dinner, clean up after herself, do as she was told-everything a parent hopes their child turns out to do.

Well, now all she does is lie to me, test me, push me as far as she can, and doesn't seem to care about anything in the world except watching tv.  She doesn't even care about herself.  She takes absolutely no pride in herself and won't take care of herself.  I have to ride her ass just to get her to do simple things like take a shower, brush her hair, brush her teeth, dress properly, and sleep.  I mean, I know kids will leave their room a mess and not clean it up unless you harp on them but she takes the cake on this one.  Her room looks like a land mine went off in it, all of the time-bed all torn apart and all over the floor, furniture overturned in the middle of the floor, clean clothes mixed in with dirty clothes all over the floor (she won't ever put her laundry away when it's been washed, then gripes and complains when she has nothing to wear for school every morning), on top of all the usual toys that a normal kid's room is messed up with.  I harp on her to clean her room and all she'll do is shove everything under her bed, in her closet, or in boxes and bags which she leaves in the middle of the floor anyway.  She leaves her clothes and toys strewn all over the house and refuses to pick up after herself.  The entire house always looks like a hurricane passed through the inside of it...clean it one day and by the end of the day it's right back to the way it was before it was cleaned.  I'm sick to death of exhausting myself with what little free time I do have all for nothing.

She takes 1-2 hours to eat her dinner every night.  If it weren't for her father and I yelling at her to eat she would NEVER eat.  That worries me because her metabolism is so incredibly high she is extremely skinny (which runs in my family, but none of us ever had it to the extent she does and none of us were ever as thin as she is) and she has to stay on a special diet so to speak of certain foods-she can't eat or drink anything with sugar because her body metabolizes it so fast she literally gets a high off of it like you would get from methamphetamines or cocaine.  She can't eat things like hot dogs or anything with alot of potassium in it because it affects her moods because of the speed her body processes it.  She has to take vitamins every single day or her health and moods goes down the tubes because her body processes food so quickly she loses all of the nourishment.  She's so obsessed with being just like me she WANTS to be super duper skinny and is scared to gain weight or she might not be like me-I used to be skinny (size 3), although I'm not really skinny anymore-I'm a size 9, 5'3.  I fear for how she will be treated in school when she gets older.  I remember how cruel kids were to me in school-how much I was made fun of because I was so skinny...how everytime I liked a boy he made fun of me to everyone, "she'd blow away like a stick if the wind blows."  It was a game to everyone in school and it was very hurtful to me.  Now she is facing the same thing.

Last night I told her repeatedly that her room was to be cleaned before she went to bed.  About a half an hour after we got home from girlscouts (a half an hour before bedtime) I asked her if her room was clean.  She said yes.  I asked her did she clean it or did she just shove everything somewhere else.  She said she shoved it all under her bed and in her closet.  I told her no, that wasn't cleaning, to go clean it and put stuff away.  She outright lied to me and said she'd do it tomorrow because she had to make her valentines.  I was pre-occupied and had had a bad, frazzled day when this took place so it didn't occur to me that valentine's day is a month away and that she had lied to me.  But this isn't a one time occasion, this goes on EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I didn't have a mother growing up.  My mom left when I was my daughter's age (9).  I didn't have much of a father, either.  He was abusive to me and the only thing I learned was how to have a low self esteem, no self-confidence, intimidation, and fear.  I never learned how to be a parent.  I don't know how to be a mom to where she turns out to be a self-confident person who takes pride in herself and her things.  She won't take care of anything she owns...and she wants a horse!  We keep telling her when she's more responsible-she even got a letter from santa explaining she couldn't have a horse til she was more responsible-and nothing works!  I've tried to explain and teach her the importance of pride and taking care of herself and her things, of being responsible.  I've tried to set a good example.  I've tried being calm and understanding.  I've tried yelling, taking away the tv (yeah, she won't sleep at night, I keep catching her watching tv instead, then she never, ever gets up for school in the morning and almost alawys misses the bus).  I've tried shock value, scare tactics, bribes, punishments, threats...NOTHING works.  She just smiles at me like it's a game.

Her father won't punish her and I'm afraid to because I'm only newly re-entered into the household and don't want to overstep his decisions...that and whatever I try to enforce he undos-gives the tv back, takes away punishment I try to give.  So she just keeps doing the same things over and over cuz she knows she can get away with it.

So now I'm at a loss.  I'm so frustrated, disappointed, and upset that I'm ready to send her to military school just so she can learn how to take some pride and responsibility in herself.  That's what it boils down to, is she is so used to getting her way she hasn't learned a thing about taking pride in herself.  Now I'm not stupid, I know kids don't do what they're told and leave messes, etc.  but not to this extent.  She's doing things to an extreme.  I know kids shouldn't have a ton of responsibilties but even they have SOME responsibility, like bathing, wearing clean clothes, using toilet paper to wipe when they go to the bathroom.  She won't even do that-she's already had to go to the doctor once for a yeast infection which she got from not wiping.  And at 9 years old they do start to get a few responsibilities, like helping with the dishes, putting their clothes away when they're washed, and cleaning their room.

The thing that makes it even worse is that I have obsessive compulsive disorder and suffer from clinical depression, so basically I become depressed (in the true medical sense) at the most minute things-I suffer from depression far more easier than the average person who is at risk from depression.  Coupled with obsessive compulsive disorder this can be a nightmare.  When things aren't in order the way an OCD person needs them to be, I get clinical depressed.  So basically, all of this coupled with the house always being a disaster (and we all know how working full time coupled with the normal life responsibilities leaves little time for cleaning, esp. a huge 4 bedroom house with pets and 4 house members) is pushing me into a depression.

I just wish I could find a way to get through to her and get her to wake up and start caring about herself (she was told to go get dressed once, we were getting ready to leave for somewhere and it was cold out.  she didn't feel like getting dressed so she threw on a pink summer dress and cheetah print tights because they were the first thing she could find on the floor.  When told that first off, it didn't match, second, it was too cold out to wear and she said, "I don't care if I look dumb" and didn't want to change.  One other time she went so far as to ask if she could just wrap a blanket around her legs to keep warm so she didn't have to go get dressed).  I really don't know what else to try or do and I'm afraid for how she'll be when she gets older & how people/kids/teens/peers will treat her if she doesn't start learning to care for and about herself now.  I'm just ready to rip my hair out...at this point I feel like giving up and just locking myself in my room and not doing anything else about it.

Ok, so I'm new to the whole blog thing. Dunno if I'll ever even get around to using this but thought it would be neat to try and start one cuz some days I just need to unload some thoughts. I listed this in online games cuz I'm offering blogs to the members of my guild in DAoC, so the links will be on that site. Peer into the mind of a gamer geek and all.